By Bethan.

In August 2016 it was time, now I have never been the best with pain so you can imagine how the tolerance of pain went down (my partner was a god send). The hours ticked by it came to light that baby was back-to-back. I begged for epidural/c section however for one reason or another that did not happen. Eventually I was taken to theatre (around 20 something hours in). They told us that I was needing a ‘spinal block’, this took over half an hour to work all the while my partner was sat outside with no clue what was happening feeling helpless. Doctors were telling me to ‘push my back out’, now being in labour for hours and on some kind of drugs I would lean back, they said no push your back out! Then a contraction would come so they couldn’t do it until that had gone. What they meant was arch my back, so after someone showing me what they meant I was able to do it and the needle went in.  

Eventually my partner was let back in the room, I was pain free! Forceps were used to deliver Rossi and I was told my baby was finally born following on from someone requesting a ‘extra-large bonnet!’ (Rossi was 9lb4oz). We were so relieved, we patiently waited, and waited and waited for the cry, but it didn’t come. I then noticed someone wearing heals, everyone was wearing crocs so who was this? My partner was told he can go to see Rossi to take a quick photo to show me before they had to take him to NICU, he had come out not breathing and was blue. 

We were exhausted, confused, it’s all a blur really. We were taken to a very eery ward, silent in there it was. I was in and out of sleep because my body couldn’t physically stay awake but the anxiety would wake me back up. Eventually a doctor came, explained that Rossi’s placenta had detached meaning he had been without oxygen for sometimes. They were unsure as to how long he had been without oxygen and what the outcome would be. We were utterly bewildered, no idea what to expect, what was going on or what we needed to do (they didn’t run through this in the classes!). 

We were taken to see Rossi eventually, felt like forever. The spinal block was still in play and my bed was lower than his so I couldn’t see him I remember this upsetting me a lot. 

There was a short period of time whereby I was not 100% sure if he was mine, I hadn’t seen him before this moment properly and I remember him being a huge baby with all of the teeny babies. HIE was mentioned, I was given a small pamphlet from Bliss charity and that was it. I was told at one point that Rossi had Meconium aspiration, then told he hadn’t had that so still unsure of that one. They shared that the band monitoring babies heart rate was picking up mine instead therefore they weren’t aware of Rossi’s heart rate dropping. Still confusion, blurry, don’t know what to think.

Anyway, they explained that Rossi was going onto ‘cooling plates’ to lower his body temperature to reduce any brain damage he might have, on day 4 they would begin to warm him up. In the meantime he would be fed glucose water I think it was through a tube in his nose. We could touch him but not hold him until they said we could. They gave me and Rossi a little bunny made out of a muslin, I was to swap these each day so that Rossi could have the smell of me with him. I remember staring at him, in awe and then he opened his big brown eyes, yep he is definitely mine! I could no longer see the wires, just how beautiful he was. 

I began expressing milk which made me feel like I could do something at least, I was like a cow filling up fridges left right and centre. I honestly think this kept me from loosing my mind. Day 4 Rossi was ‘warmed up’ had no seizures or no concerns so that meant mum and dad cuddles! They called this ‘kangaroo care’, time really stood still for us all in the moment. He then started to feed and slowly made his way to discharge. 

Rossi was in hospital for 9 days, it was very touch and go, there were times that we were worried when they would mention little things like his kidneys needing more TLC, or him needing sedation for MRI which meant back to NCIU before discharge, mixed with the awe of us just creating a baby. It was a rollercoaster of emotions. We were very fortunate that our family and friends were able to come to see us throughout including my ready to give birth big sister! (my niece made an appearance the day after Rossi was discharged!).

During our time in hospital, I only recall spending about half an hour alone, for me that was certainly something I’m grateful didn’t happen often. I was on a ward with mothers and babies, it was hard not having mine with me so I spent little time other than sleeping there (my ward was downstairs, Rossi was upstairs. I would have to go to the ward to eat and sleep). The healthcare worker would always come in for a chat about life, I loved seeing her and she meant a lot to me in my time there. 

Overall, it is an experience that no one could have prepared us for. As parents we both were massively affected in different ways. My partner, 7 years on, now see’s how difficult it was for him, he just didn’t notice it at the time. Expressing kept me going, there wasn’t anything he could do like that, he talks about often feeling like he didn’t know what to do. He slept on a chair in the ward for most of the days we were there. He was left outside the theatre for over half an hour no idea whether me or Rossi were ok, no communication. I think it is easy to not realise the trauma impact it has on the partners. 

A couple of years after having Rossi I went to have my tonsils removed, blissfully not thinking about this being the first time being back in hospital. I was known in the ward after this procedure, apparently the antitheist had to give me an unusual amount of general anaesthetic to get the desired affect and when I came round, I was shouting for my baby.  

I remember after being discharged and being around other parents’ people would make comment about the first hold as soon as babies are born, or how odd the first poo is. I never knew what this was like and would sometime feel a little angry. However now I see our firsts were just that little bit more unique such as the first taste of milk from a cotton bud on his lips, the first wire being removed, the first hold on day 4, the first time changing their nappy on day 5, Rossi coming to sleep on the ward with me,  the first transition to the next NICU rooms slowly making his was to being discharged, the end of the check ups at 2 years (although I feel they should have check ups for longer to be honest). 

Rossi was a very hungry baby who cried a lot. He is now a 7 year old thriving boy (who is still always hungry), he is kind, considerate and is proud if his birth story. We still don’t really know the ins and outs of what happened, we have a disc with a recording from the investigation and a form waiting to be completed to request his medical history. We just haven’t felt the pull to listen/ complete it. We have letters with big words on about what happened, but they make 0 sense really.

There isn’t a right or wrong way to deal with this stuff, but support matters massively. Someone to talk to that knows about HIE so it doesn’t feel like it is this random thing that no one knows about. I only found out about PEEPS last year after hearing of it from one parent whose child was born with HIE recently. This is the only other person I have ever heard of being impacted by it close by. We are so grateful that PEEPS have supported us even 7 years on from the birth of our bambino!